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8 Ways to Get Away with Murder

Danny R. Smith66 Comments

 

If you’re just dying to kill someone but find the prospect of prison tiresome, perhaps this handy little murderer’s manifesto is perfect for you!

Have No Motive

Do not kill out of anger, greed, or revenge, to cover another crime, or for sexual gratification. Do it just for the pure pleasure of doing so, for the unadulterated satisfaction of whacking some unsuspecting SOB just for the hell of it. When the who or how are not immediately obvious, the cops will look for the why. Nothing drives a homicide detective crazy like not understanding why someone was whacked.

Be Selective

Kill some random person, but please choose someone who at least deserves it. Make sure you have absolutely no connection to the person you off; this is non-negotiable. No friends, neighbors, relatives, ex-boyfriends, or even someone who recently flipped you the bird while cutting you off in traffic.

DNA

For the love of Pete, DO NOT leave your DNA all over the place. No drooling, spitting, or bleeding, and do not relieve yourself of your semi-precious bodily fluids. Sometimes killing people can take longer than you expect, so, much like planning travel, take care of these matters before you leave the house.

Police Your Work Area

Pick up your shell casings, or better yet, use a revolver. Remember, when you care enough to send the very best, avoid calibers smaller than a .38. If using a knife, hatchet, or spear, do not leave your weapon protruding from your victim’s forehead, chest, or anal cavity. Nobody likes a show-off.

Do Not Tell Your Neighbors

It’s never a good idea to solicit advice on what to do with dead guys in your bathtub. That’s what Google is for.

There was a murder in South Los Angeles (Firestone station) where a man hacked his buddy to death with a machete in his own home.

He had chased the victim through the house chopping and slashing. As a result, body parts and fluids were scattered everywhere.

The suspect, not quite sure how to dispose of his dearly departed companion, placed the man in his bathtub and closed the door. The next day he realized he needed a better solution to his problem, something more permanent, so he sought advice from a few of his neighbors.

One of the neighbors called the sheriff’s station and a patrol car was dispatched. When the man answered the door, the deputies could see the place was an obvious crime scene. The suspect was detained and an investigation ensued.

To this day, I wonder how many neighbors had discussed options with the killer rather than calling to report it.

The point being, if you can’t help but to discuss a good old-fashioned killing with your neighbors, choose your confidant wisely. Some people are more touchy about these matters than others.

Do Not Keep Souvenirs

You can never explain having photographs of dead people. Unless, of course, you’re a cop.

When I worked Special Investigations Bureau, we handled a murder-for-hire case wherein the suspect, an attorney, attempted to have his former business partner murdered.

Not accustomed to dealing with the type of men who do such things, the attorney suspect solicited the help of a random thug. But this man was a pimp, hustler, and thief, not a killer. So, rather than actually killing the former business partner as he was hired to do, the thug attempted to extort him. (Pay me and I won’t kill you.)

We arrested the hustler for extortion, and he immediately chose to work with us to gather evidence against the attorney who had hired him.

A murder was staged. A studio makeup artist made our would-be victim appear dead, and Polaroid photographs were taken. The thug provided the “evidence” of death to the attorney suspect who was elated at the results of his work. He then paid the hustler for his efforts, believing the thug had, in fact, killed the former partner and friend.

That final meeting was audio and video-recorded, so the attorney’s possession of the photographs was not as relevant as it might have otherwise been. But had this been an actual murder, it is likely the partner would have eventually become a suspect due to the circumstances of this case. A search warrant would have found photographs of the murdered man in the attorney’s possession. That is not how you avoid prison.

Social Media

 

 

Just.

Don’t.

 

Not even a little bit.

 

Your Right to Remain Silent

Invoke it. Every. Single. Time.

Nothing good will ever come of you telling a detective why you killed some poor bastard. But you won’t listen to me, I guarantee it. In fact, detectives count on it. I’ve seen it time and again, you killers will spill your guts and a year later wonder how we convicted your dumb ass of murder.

Disclaimer

This is meant as humor. Sick, twisted, dark, cop humor, designed for nothing other than a laugh. I assume that those who read my blog are not the type to contemplate murder.

It is also meant as a spoof to the daily billion “self-help” blogs that list nine ways to leave your wife, six steps to being a better lover, and twelve reasons to buy some book about how to sell your self-help blog, and so on.

Thank you, and do have a Killer day!

* * *

Thank you for reading my blog. I hope you will share it with your family and friends.

 

 

66 thoughts on “8 Ways to Get Away with Murder”

  1. For the Angel of Death spread his wings on the blast,
    And breathed in the face of the foe as he passed:
    And the eyes of the sleepers waxed deadly and chill,
    And their hearts but once heaved, and for ever grew still!

  2. this helped so much, thank you, especially step 4, i really recommend this, my coworker never saw this coming

      1. lolololol sooo does that mean i cant murder my parents since were related oh sad days i guess TnT

  9. Whos dumb enough to go around like “Oh hey what’s up? I murdered someone last week!”
    Like wtf

    1. Dude, did you not read the first step of “Have no motive”? It specifically indicates to not be related to the victim in any way

  13. OMG TYSM!!!!!!!! now i can do this >:) and i am not THAT stoopid to tell someoe i killed someone like bruh what kind of D U M B A S S will go up so someone and say “gOoD dAy SiR i KiLlEd sOmEoNe tOdAy” like epic B R U H moment XD

  15. This was actually pretty helpful! I’m currently writing a book and this may actually help a little, now my antagonist knows how to annoy cops!

  16. whos dumb enough to tell anyone? seriously come on. this isnt the movies. i’d keep my mouth shut.

  17. Thanks, it will be a lot easier now

    (Joking btw I was tryna get the FBI to watch me XD)

  18. It seems to be an unwritten law that criminals cannot keep quiet. I work with teenage felons & they certainly can’t keep a secret!

  19. More times than I like to count… the average person is lacking in common sense. So… they do some things that they may regret. And that is why we had such a great job.

    Love you DRS…… and D Dub too

  20. I believe they teach this course at the Guido Sarduchi School of Contract Hitters in New Jersey.

    You make me laugh Danny.

    1. Haha thanks, Moon.. this is actually an older blog post that I was going to repurpose in the next week or two. Usually good for a laugh, but then there’s always one or two who are taking notes I suppose. (:

  21. I thought this was serious. I took it seriously, at least. I found it more helpful than funny.

      1. Fold body in half and secure with duct tape.
        Double or triple wrap in heavy duty bin bags.
        Place in neighbour’s wheelie bin (after he’s gone to work) on collection day.

  22. Love the “article.” Pretty much what I would do, but do have some ideas that you probably decided shouldn’t be in the article.

  23. This is thorough;y explains why” some people are alive, simply because its against the law to kill them!!! ” . Too many angles to think about and, even on a good day (which are few), i can’t keep all that straight!! Excellent advice though, Mr. Smith.

  24. Come on pard !!! How’s everybody gonna know what a bad mofo I am Iffin’ I don’t let my buddies know I whacked some punk that dissed me? They won’t drop a dime on me when they get pinched down the road. They’re my buddies!

  25. I needed this laugh this morning. A homicide detective once told me that “90% of their cases are solved because, at one point or another, people just HAVE to share with someone”….

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